Sherlock's Supermarket Shopping
by WritingOpensTheWorld
Summary: When Sherlock requires milk and refuses to get it himself again, and it pushes John over the edge. John decides it is about time for Sherlock to get the milk although perhaps Sherlock and a supermarket is not the best combination, especially when you argue with the machines already.
1. The Deal

"John, we need milk" said Sherlock.

"I've been out all morning why couldn't you get it?" replied John.

"I have been busy. I'm testing for a new type of tobacco ash," he said, sitting in his chair.

"But you aren't even testing anything!" yelled John.

"I'm testing in my mind John. The key to success is preparation but I wouldn't expect you to know that. A cup of tea wouldn't hurt either but for that we need milk, hence why you need to go get some," he turned to face John.

"No, no, no. Either Mrs. Hudson or I have always gotten the milk and with Mrs. Hudson away at her sister's I think it's about time you learnt how to," said John.

"I've gone to get the milk before," replied Sherlock, his tone bored.

"Yes, but you actually went to a pool, gave secret missile plans to Moriarty and almost got us both blown up," exclaimed John and Sherlock sighed.

"I didn't get us almost blown up. If I had gotten us almost blown up, parts of us would be missing," John replicated Sherlock's sigh. "I will go to the store under one condition."

"What?" asked John.

"We play Cluedo," said Sherlock, his tone as serious as he could be whilst saying that.

"No way in hell!" yelled John back.

"Well then have fun getting the milk," Sherlock reached for his violin. He began to play an ear piercing tune that was often brought out when he wanted Mycroft to leave.

"Stop that awful noise," yelled John over the top of his continued playing.

"Why would I when I know that you will give into playing Cluedo in under another minute," Sherlock raised an eyebrow, daring John to not cave. This resulted in John giving his tough guy stare and stance.

"Fine! Anything to make that noise stop!" he said.

"Good. Under 30 seconds, I think that may be a new record," Sherlock lay his violin down on the coffee table and jumped up quickly from his chair, with too much exuberance for John's liking. Sherlock could be way too cocky sometimes, and he knew it as well.

"Come on then, we are going food shopping," said John, taking a deep breath and imagining punching Sherlock in the face.

"Alright then, just promise me you will not get into a fight with the automatic machine again," said Sherlock in his classic mocking tone.

"That was the machine's fault!" said John allowing the anger to get the better of him.

"Oh yes, of course. A machine which is programmed to do only one thing did that one thing wrong. John perhaps this time talk to a real person," said Sherlock as he reached her his coat and tied his scarf around his neck.

"Shut up Sherlock," murmured John, just loud enough for Sherlock to hear. They moved downstairs and into a taxi.

"So where exactly are we going?" asked Sherlock and John smirked.

"As if you don't know," said John.

"Well considering our current direction, objective and your cheapness I would presume," John held up a hand to stop him talking.

"Stop it Sherlock. Just stop."


	2. Divorce and Cheats

Sherlock stepped out of the taxi first and looked up at the cheap supermarket sign.

"John, why would you buy food which you will be eating from a cheap place like this?" he said. "Never mind I answered my own question," murmured Sherlock soon after.

"Sherlock, you need to remember what I said about manners. Your complete lack of them is showing," said John.

"I was merely stating that you no longer needed to answer me," replied Sherlock as they stepped inside. John reached for a basket. "What do we need a basket for, aren't we just getting milk?" said Sherlock than looked at John. "Ah I can see from your stance and the glare you are giving me that since I will most likely end up paying and the rare chance of going food shopping with, that we are getting more than milk. Why did you not just say so John?" John rolled his eyes at Sherlock.

"Come on," he said as they stepped into the fruit section. John moved through it quickly, trying to avoid contact between Sherlock and members of the public. He should have known it was never going to work, after all this was Sherlock. His failure was made clear when they passed by a woman.

"She is having an affair with her husband's brother," said Sherlock turning back to look at her.

"Sherlock please do not start," said John, though it fell on deaf ears.

"Her wedding ring is dirty, which as you know shows the state of the marriage. On the finger beside it she is wearing a ring, which is next to identical in style and age however much cleaner. They are very clearly a set, family heirloom no doubt. So the only way for her to have the second one is if the brother gave it to her, which shows he must care a lot about her. Therefore it is highly likely she is having an affair on her current husband with his brother, and if not brother at least a close relation," Sherlock stopped to look at something on the shelf.

"Sherlock listen. When people come to the supermarket they do not need someone to analyze them nor do people analyze others!" John's voice increased slightly which drew attention from surrounding shoppers.

"Well that is only because all these people lack the intelligence to do so," this resulted in angry noises from nearby shoppers.

"Who are you to say that?" said one man, moving to stand in front of Sherlock.

"First, I am not a man who works at a factory which makes I-Phone cases for minimum wage. Second if you claim to have the intelligence to do so, what can you tell about me?" said Sherlock. He walked in a circle around the man. "Nothing? I cannot say I am surprised," Sherlock came to a halt in front of him.

"I know you are a prat," said the man.

"Yes, and I know that you are recently divorced, your wife left you. Your ring finger, there is still the slight tan line from where it was. However the ring now sits on the finger next to it. Clearly this isn't a mistake meaning you are divorced. If you had left your wife you might have sold the ring to bring in extra income. But no, your wife left you which you are clearly heartbroken about. Your shopping basket has the cheap brand that my flatmate buys, because it is cheap meaning you have money problems but are not willing to sell something with such a high sentimental value to you even though your wife will never come back. Excuse us now, we need to buy milk," Sherlock turned around and walked away from them.

"Sorry about him," said John before rushing after Sherlock.

"This is much more interesting than I thought it would be."


	3. Supermarket Murder

John tried his best to get Sherlock through the supermarket without drawing too much attention. Of course though, with Sherlock's cheekbones alone his task was next to impossible. He knew trouble was coming when Sherlock turned his coat collar up.

"Sherlock I am begging you, please do not make a scene again," he said.

"John the whole point of coming here was to get milk and as you hoped other groceries yet our basket is empty," Sherlock pointed to the basket which had no contents whatsoever.

"Fine," said John. He reached up and grabbed something off the shelves without looking at it. The moment it fell to the bottom of the basket Sherlock reached for it.

"John what need do you have for this?" he held up the box of biscuits. "I never really took you for teddy shaped, chocolate coated biscuit kind of guy," John snatched the box of biscuits back from Sherlock and put them back on the shelf.

"Milk is this way," said John, ignoring Sherlock. Just as they were about to reach the milk Sherlock stopped.

"Society has more problems than I thought," murmured Sherlock and John turned to face him, raising his left eyebrow. "Are we really at the point of laziness and cheapness where people buy powdered milk so that they do not have to worry about replacing it when no longer fresh?" Sherlock turned as a rather large man passed by. He still wore a headset; clearly he was as obsessed with online games. Sherlock had a brief glance to his basket but already knew what would be in there. No trace of any fresh food whatsoever. The majority of contents contained copious amounts of sugar, such as Coca-Cola and chocolate. As if to prove Sherlock's point he reached around them to grab a packet of powdered milk. After he walked away Sherlock laughed slightly. "That man has a major addiction to video games, diabetes though he doesn't care and will most likely have a heart attack and die within the next couple of years. And he is buying powdered milk," John looked at Sherlock, if they were not careful someone would kill Sherlock. A supermarket would actually be a good place to source murder weapons.

"Sherlock please just shut up or someone will kill you, perhaps even me," said John, though the last three words were barely audible.

"Oh course John, killings at a supermarket. Let us see," Sherlock briefly glanced around. "You could use the knives the butcher leaves carelessly lying on the counter, easily reached for someone with longer limbs. But why be so boring? No, if you are going to bother using the supermarket goods to kill someone the least you could do is be creative, especially if you are killing me. Perhaps the cleaning section would be a good bet. Force chemicals down their throat, corroding their stomach to mulch? Or perhaps if they have the telltale signs of an allergy, always noticeable by the way they walk specifically as far away from it as possible, use that to cause an epileptic attack. So many options John, yet I doubt these simple minded people will try any of that."


	4. Checkout

John had thought having to live with Sherlock was the worst thing that he would ever have to suffer through. He was wrong on so many levels though. Sherlock was enjoying himself far too much for this to be worth him playing Cluedo. Though any place with a variety of people could be described as Sherlock's playground. One of the many reasons why he would never take Sherlock to an amusement park. They grabbed the milk after a short debate over whether or not it should be lite, ending with Sherlock saying if John was really that concerned with his weight he should not have had that donut yesterday. With a curse under the breath John had caved and grabbed the normal milk.

"So what else do we need?" said Sherlock glancing around at the shelves.

"If you used the fridge like most people you might know," muttered John.

"Where else am I supposed to keep a severed head or thumbs? Beside Mrs. Hudson gets the groceries, not my department as Lestrade would say," Sherlock looked at the refrigerated shelves on his left. "So John do we have any requirement for," he lifted a bottle of custard off the shelf. Turning it around Sherlock sighed. "This is a health hazard, it expired yesterday. They could get in huge trouble for this." John had reached cracking point.

"Forget it Sherlock. We have milk, let's go pay," John started walking towards the registers. Now he had a hard choice to make. He could go with the machine, no way for Sherlock to cause trouble there and risk getting in a fight with it, or he could go for a person, though Sherlock might reduce them to tears.

"Don't you want to exploit this opportunity more? Oh I see, well if that is how you feel," said Sherlock shrugging.

"What now?" asked John.

"Well for some reason I fail to grasp you are annoyed at me. What could I have possibly done to vex you?" responded Sherlock. John came to a halt, took a deep breath before continuing to walk away.

"Come on Sherlock," said John, trying to hurry him up. By some form of luck they made it to the registers without any incident.

"So John, are you prepared for your new fight with the machine?" said Sherlock, unable to keep the mocking tone out of his voice. John rolled his eyes.

"Why can't you just shut up for once?" asked John before turning to the machine. He murmured to himself as he scanned the milk.

"Whoever recorded the voice for this has clinical depression, and at least four cats. Also they were recently cheated on by their long term boyfriend, who slept with their sister. Why would you get someone so depressing to record this? Are you not trying to encourage sales?" said Sherlock to one of the nearest cashiers.

"Hey!" she said back. "I'm the one who recorded that!" she yelled.

"So you are admitting to sleeping with your sister's boyfriend. Christmas must be a lot of fun. And judging by the state of your trousers I was wrong, you actually have six cats. I suggest you either get on medication or check into an institute before you affect shoppers at this supermarket," Sherlock looked once more at her. "Though it does not help that you do not know what the mood swings you are suffering from are because of. You are pregnant," this was the final straw for John, who dropped the milk, grabbed ahold of Sherlock's arm and tried his best to drag him out of the supermarket, a task which took him several minutes.

"Sherlock, do not worry I will never ask you to come grocery shopping again," said John as he hailed a taxi.

"But I rather enjoyed that. And as far as Cluedo is concerned, whoever the victim is did it. Only logical explanation."


End file.
